When the realization surfaces;

I do believe in happiness and finding that someone who will truly loves you for who you are, but IDK, somehow I am pretty pessimistic about it as I have set my mind that it's gonna be hard for a Mr Right to accept me and be with me through everything and would never ever leave me.

Issues with abandonment, checked.

BTW,  finals are getting closer, approximately 2-3 weeks more before exams, and as usual I am not prepared. Though I have to say that studying can really soothe and calm me in a way...

I'm a geek like that. :B

All in all,

Ayah : Tadi Ayah dapat message dari Anuar, pegawai Rumah Melaka. Dia wish Ayah Selamat Hari Bapa.
Me: Oh ye ke. Lepas tu Ayah jawab apa?
Ayah : Ayah reply, Selamat Hari Bapa dari Ayah kepada anak anak Melaka yang ada kat situ.
Me : .... *krik krik* Ayah nak suruh Akak wish ayah ke apa? Sebab I don't celebrate Father's Day. Okaylah Selamat Hari Bapa, Ayah!
Ayah : Haaa, terima kasihh.
Me on the other line : =.=

As harsh as I may sound in the conversation, yes, I don't celebrate Father's Day, Mothers' Day, etc etc. I don't believe in allocating one day just to celebrate the presence of your parents. Why do so when you can show your appreciation towards them everyday?

Living far from them, staying abroad, somehow has created this fear in myself. Fear of losing them, fear of not being able to see them before anything happens to them, Nauzubillah Min Zalik, fear of not being able to listen to their voice, etc, etc. Somehow living thousands of miles away from them has taught me to appreciate them more, and has opened my eyes and my mind to see the sacrifices that they have made for me.

Ayah... Ayah is such a heroic icon for me. My own knight-in-shining armor, the only man that I knew that would try his very best to make me happy, the only man that would have listened to me cry, ramble, rant without judging me, the only man that would have drove from our house in Malacca to see me in Matriks Melaka in Masjid Tanah in heavy rain, the only man that would not be tired in giving me motivational quotes although I have had numerous breakdowns, the only man that would not show his disappointments although I have failed to live up to his expectation, the only man that have invited my guy friend to my house for iftar, the only man that would have talked enthusiastically about English and USA, that's Ayah.

No matter how many times that I have felt angry at you (blame me for being the oh-so-called rebellious), no matter how many times have I cried, I know that deep down I will try my very best to do something that will be able to put a smile on Ibu's and your faces. Seeing you both smiling for something that I have done would be one of my biggest accomplishments.

People call you Pak Din, Uncle Din, 'Ke Din, PM Zainud-din, but to me you will always be my Ayah, and I will always be your little girl. I love you and I miss you. 44 more days before I could see your face again. <3 <3

The first step that you take;

The first step that you take to break out from the norm, it's never easy.

To break out from the norm, to put a stop to whatever that you have been doing or to click that "Delete" button to cut the connection that you could have between you and it, or him, or her, it takes one giga dose of courage to do so. And sometimes, you could end up not being able to proceed to the second step, which is, moving on.

I have been there, done that. If any of you have followed my entries from these past few years, I have been mentioning about moving on, forgetting about something/someone, bla bla bla, and how ashamed I am to read all those entries because right now, sadly, I am not even an inch away from the same old spot that I have been in for the past few years.

Cakap gebang, they say?

I guess back then, when I said that I wanted to move on or things like that, I guess I was really determined. At that particular moment. As I was writing those entries. Yes, the drive and the determination to step forward were there. But still, I failed to make the second step ; moving on, successful. I was pampering and feeling sorry for myself too much, and yet I have permitted myself to drown myself into those fragment of memories.

And a thought clicked in my mind as I was listening to Separated by Usher. I shouldn't feel sad, or regret, on the whole incident that have occurred last two years. I shouldn't blame myself for being ignorant at that time, because if I wouldn't been that, imagine what position I will be in now?

I have realized that whatever I'm doing now, I'm doing it in the favor for Allah SWT. O' Allah, the Greatest, the Most Merciful, Allah has mapped our path in the most amazing way that we couldn't imagine. I'm just a normal human being who are bound to make mistakes every now and then, and Allah has made it easier for me to "break out from the norm".

And now, I will not make promises like before. Promises to forget the past and to move on. Let the past be one of my guidances, and let Allah SWT help me to go through everything. Have faith in Him, insha-Allah you will never be disappointed.

"Hai orang-orang mukmin, jika kamu menolong (agama) Allah, niscaya Dia akan menolongmu dan meneguhkan kedudukanmu."

[Muhammad, 47:7]

-From Zahidah Azman's blog.

Masih jauh lagi. Terlampau jauh. It's okay, baby steps will do, insha-Allah <3

When fate strikes,

"I think that if life separates us and we end up in totally different places, we'll always remember when our paths aligned at this period of time and I'll be thankful for that. And I hope wherever you are, you'll be thankful, too. And I think that's the best that we can wish for."

-Strangers, again.